I’d give to charity if someone else would foot the bill

There is no more embarrassing moment when eating out with others than the moment when the bill arrives and the waiter has not separated it according to each individual meal. It is at that moment that everyone looks at the thing sheepishly and hopes and prays that somebody, anybody, will pick it up and figure things out. Even better, pretty much everybody hopes and prays that one person will bite the bullet and pay for the whole thing. Meanwhile the waiter hopes that in the assorted machinations, bargaining and calculations there will be at least something that approaches a nominal tip.

There is something about a restaurant bill that is mysteriously daunting. Some people can look at the thing, figure out what they hand, work out the tax and then calculate the tip as easily as they breathe. Others look at it in stunned stupefaction, confused at the myriad of numbers and the vagaries of how much to tip and whether or not you tip on top of the tax or not. Yet others would simply prefer that someone else pays because they are extremely cheap. Yet others would rather pay for it in one shot so as to ensure that the waiter is treated fairly, even if it is unfair to them personally.

The embarrassment and confusion is not limited to restaurant bills. Money and the handling thereof  is a generally touchy subject. One old adage sums it up nicely: “Everybody is your brother until it is time to pay.” Restaurant bills, cab fares, taxes, you name it, if it involves paying out money there is no easy, embarrassment-free conversation. Perhaps we’ve gotten in too deeply and can’t afford it, but since everyone else is doing it, we eat at the restaurant anyway. Since she ordered the cab, we argue internally, she should be the one paying for it, since I’m just along for the ride. I rarely use the health system in my country, so why should I pay taxes towards help other people who are always sick? Or someone might offer generously: I’d give to charity if someone else would foot the bill.

There is a thing called generosity. It goes along with personal responsibility. Each recognizes our mutual indebtedness to one another. We are all connected, intertwined, sharing  our planet, our air, everything. As such we have a responsibility not only to ourselves but also to those around us. Generosity goes hand in hand with responsibility. It is the distinguishing factor that allows us to do not because we must but because we want to. It empowers us to move from tipping the waiter because it is a social norm or “to ensure prompt service” to giving because we want to show our appreciation. That same generosity is what allows the waiter to move from serving others to pay the bills, to providing them with a service that allows them to enjoy not only the food, but every moment they spend in the restaurant.

Perhaps the biggest benefit of acting and living generously is that it not only ensures that we live by the golden rule, not only that we do to (and for) others what we would want done and for us, but to go beyond the bare minimum and to do so not out of a sense of obligation but out of a sense of joy at doing something that benefits others simply because it is within your power to do so.

The idea of “doing unto others” is one that can easily devolve into a game of “tit-for-tat.” We do the right thing because we expect that the right thing be done to us. If we aren’t acknowledged or thanked when we hold the door open for someone we get irritated and resolve never to do it again. If we always send Birthday greetings but others don’t reciprocate, we feel shortchanged. If we are always the ones organizing the emergency fundraisers when there is a crisis  we start to believe that we are the only ones that give a hoot and wonder why we bother.

A generous heart never looks for a reward or reciprocal action; it does good things for others because it is indeed what they would like done for themselves, but not because they expect to be repaid in kind at any time at all.  The generous heart opens the door without expecting to be acknowledged, because the joy is in the serving, not in the thanks. The clockwork sender of birthday greetings is content merely knowing that they have made someone else smile. The person that arranges for a donation hat to circulate ‘round the room when an emergency arises does so because it is their innate response to a need and not because they either expect everyone to take a turn or for others to learn from, and then emulate, their example.

The idea behind “doing unto others” is inherently one of personal responsibility. As I mentioned earlier, it is not intended as game of “tit for tat” but as the core basis for understanding how we are to treat one another. Thinking of it as an exchange of favours can easily become an exchange of misdeed, of vengeful or spiteful action in payback for an offence or insult. To live up the expectations of the phrase means not only doing so generously and without desiring a reward, it also means taking responsibility for oneself, thanks to the doing unto myself of the phrase.

This “doing unto myself” bit is the one that often gets forgotten. It should serve as a reminder that the good things we do to benefit others are things that should happen us well. Yet while it implies that these good things should take place at the hands of others, it is not exclusive of our doing good things for our own benefit. This is where our personal responsibility comes into play; not greedily or selfishly, but with the understanding that, as we treat others with kindness, we too should be kind to ourselves. Just as we assume responsibility and do our bit to feed and clothe and house others adequately, so too should be be ready and willing to do the same for ourselves. And here again, there is a deeper truth to be found. It lies in the little comparison word, ‘as’ in that wee two letter statement of equality.

The implication of this ‘as’ is that we be just as generous to others as we are to ourselves, that we take just as much responsibility for others that we take for ourselves. And because it is a mutual exchange, the reverse is suggested as well, that others take as much responsibility for themselves as they take for others, and that we too take as much responsibility for ourselves as we do for others.

Here’s a strange thing that happens when we all take the attitude of “doing to or for others what we would have done to or for us.” The excuse I’d give to charity if someone else would foot the bill actually becomes a reality. I give to charity because someone else foots the bill. Not directly, mind you but because, as I do a kindness for another person within my realm of possibility, they do something kind to others that fits their giftedness and ability to give. As the circle of giving and doing and generosity and personal responsibility widens, it gives back to me and blesses me in some way. Being blessed at the hands of others in turn allows me, empowers me, encourages me, frees me, to use my own peculiar and personal giftedness to bless someone else; maybe by holding the door open for a grumpy stranger, maybe by sending a birthday card to someone I’ve long avoided because they never write, perhaps by filling the hat before someone else thinks to pass it out, or maybe even footing the restaurant bill simply because I can.