And I’d like to be more cuddly but I ain’t no Teddy bear!

Gary Chapman’s book “The 5 Love Languages” teaches that human beings communicate in five distinct ways. Understanding how a person expresses themselves and how they best understand others is key to good communication and, as the title of the book suggest, how to give and receive love. According to Chapman’s suggestions, I communicate best by doing. If I want to say “I love you” I will do so through an action; if you want to say you love me, then I will understand your meaning most clearly through your action. It’s a simple idea. How we share ourselves depends on our particular style; the problem arises not because there are five options to choose from, but because we don’t always know which of the five choices fits another person best. Thus, if I express myself through actions but you express yourself through words, we might be at loggerheads; you might not understand that I appreciate you because I gave you a card and I might not fully appreciate that you understand me because you say use words when I hear actions best.

Given that each of us communicates in different, we have to figure out who is cuddly and who is not. Who want to hear they are loved rather than see it in an action? How do we best reach out to a neighbour in order to help them? I am, not a Teddy Bear. While I like hugs a lot, and while I am an inveterate hugger (but only after asking permission) I don’t see myself as a cuddly plaything. I’m not quite sure how I would describe myself, but I know what I am not. I know what I like and don’t like; I know my strengths and weaknesses; I even know how I best express myself and how I hear others most clearly, I might not be able to put a single title on myself, but I know myself and that matters.

Knowing oneself is a life-long learning process. How we function in the world, our likes, our dislikes, whether we’re introverts or extroverts, every little bit gleaned helps us navigate the assorted pathways we encounter. The learning is remarkably non-linear; it is cumulative but not necessarily ordered or disciplined. It comes to us in little lessons and big mistakes. Some things we come to understand all by ourselves, some things are taught to us by others. Sometimes our self-perception needs to be adjusted; the Teddy bear with think we project might be perceived by others as a fat, hairy grump. Sometimes, as we learn more and more about ourselves realize that what we thought we were was wrong; we learn a tidbit about our upbringing that sheds light on behaviour we thought was normal, but really isn’t. An abused woman might not realize that her poor choices in husbands is a result of a past trauma that has never been dealt with properly. As a result of healing and understanding she learns that her way of dealing with men has been skewed; she can finally enter into better, healthier relationships because she has learned to see herself in a new way. She might always have wanted to be cuddly; with the right help and self-understanding she can finally let herself reveal and revel in the the Teddy bear that she had always suspected was within her, but never had the self-awareness to set free.

Since our path to self understanding is never linear and never really complete, we don’t always have the right information about ourselves at the right time. As a result we make mistakes that hurt ourselves or others. If we’re willing to learn from those mistakes, if we are open to taking a look at what happened and analyze the process, we might be able to figure out a different way to do things. If we don’t take the time to discern the reasons we blew it, we are going to simply continue hurting ourselves or others as we always have.

As we learn more and more about ourselves, as we figure out whether we’re cuddly Teddy bears or excitable Tiggers (yes, I realize I’m mixing things up here) we not only become more comfortable with ourselves, we are also better able to fit into the world around us. As we understand what inspires us we can seek out those experiences and situations that lead us forward. As we get a handle on how we communicate with others we can begin listening to them, in the way that suits us best, and hearing what they actually have to say about themselves. At the same time we are better able to let others know our story, and to understand that, while I might not be a cuddly, snuggly Teddy bear, a friendly hug will never be turned down.