Growing Up

My journey from homophobia to full affirmation and inclusion (this story originally appeared in Medium)

Growing up things were very different. Some things we talked about. Some things we did not. Some things we laughed about. Some things we did not.

Growing up in the Roman Catholic church, sex was one of those things we did not talk about. Since I was enrolled in the Public School system in Toronto, I had to attend Catechism classes at the closest Catholic school. So, from the time I started in grade one public school, until my confirmation as a good little Roman Catholic around the time I was about 14, every Saturday morning found me being indoctrinated into the ways of the “One true church”.

We talked about Jesus. We talked about right and wrong. We talked about the rituals and traditions of the Roman church. We did not, however, talk much about life, relationships, or, naturally, sex.

What I learned about sex came from TV. From my Physical Education classes in the public school system. From my peers. From my parents and from my family. From everywhere, it seemed, but the church. All the church really taught about sex was that it was only good for procreation, and everything else about it was bad.

My father was my most influential teacher. He took me aside one evening and told me that the most important thing about sex was that the two people involved should love one another. That was the whole teaching moment. No mechanics or technical talk, just the understanding that sex was all about love, and that was all.

While not the most practical advice, perhaps, it was advice that I took to heart very much, and that laid the foundation for how I understand sex, and how I understand life in general.

Of course, this was the sixties and seventies. Tradition ruled the day and even though the sexual revolution was taking place and sex was taking a more prominent and visible place in entertainment and culture in general, it was always straight, cis-normative sex. Homosexuality was not discussed, and when it was, especially by the Roman Catholic church, it was evil. Society in general looked down on homosexual men as being lesser beings. Lesbians? For the longest time I had no idea that women could be same sex attracted.

This is how I grew up. Sex was not talked about, but I understood it to be only for people who loved each other. Homosexuality was wrong, and if it was brought up, it was usually as part of a punchline or a put-down.

As I grew older, my views about Homosexuality were consolidated for me simply by taking my place in society and never questioning what was right or wrong. That view was further cemented into place when I entered seminary in order to pursue God’s calling for me to be a Presbyterian minister.

Whilst at Knox College, the main seminary of the Presbyterian Church in Canada, I had my first exposure to real live gay people. And openly Lesbian couple had enrolled in classes to become ministers. What’s more, they chose to have a child through in-vitro fertilization. This was 1990 or so. This stuff wasn’t talked about, but now it was right in front of me. Naturally, I was opposed to this turn of events. I didn’t make a big fuss out of it, but I knew that this couple should not be together, not in seminary along with me, and not having a child. That’s what society had to say about it. That’s what the Roman Catholic Church had to say about it. That’s even what my own denomination, chosen freely and willingly by me as an adult, had to say about it.

As time progressed, LGBTQi issues started to become part of society’s conversation. Gay rights were being discussed. Lesbian women were not hiding any more. What had once been a taboo subject now became the topic of debate.

I remained firm in my stance. When I was ordained, I declared to my congregation and anyone who would listen that I would rather give up my state-given marriage license than marry a gay couple. The Bible said it was wrong. My Denomination said it was wrong. Never mind that society was moving towards tolerance and the legalization of marriage for LGBTQi people. I knew what was right and I was going to stick by it.

And then some of my friends and acquaintances started talking about accepting their gay friends. A gay member of the church choir I sang in opened his home to us for dinner parties, where we met his partner and talked to him like he was a normal person.

Forums like Facebook started having conversations and debates about homosexuality. Lines were drawn, shots fired, people hurt.

I hurt people. I hurt friends. I thought I was a loving person. I thought sex was about love. I thought I was right about my views about homosexuality but the pain I caused made me think twice about that.

Maybe I was wrong.

So I started listening. I started to study God’s word for myself. I started to think beyond sex to the core of love. My father had taught me sex was something for two loving people. Sex was not about love. You didn’t have sex and then fall in love. You loved someone, and sex grew out of that.

Maybe there was more to this homosexual thing than sex. Maybe it was about love first. Two people in a loving relationship with one another. A woman and a woman. A man and a man. A woman and a man. Maybe what mattered was love more than sex, or even who was doing the loving?

My Facebook discussions invariably started involving friends from the past. Friends from high-school. People I knew and loved, even if at a distance.

Michael was one such friend. We had known each other for years, even before high-school. He was the first Jewish person I ever met. He was the first person I ever met from the richer neighbourhood close to my own working-class one.

Michael and I had an odd relationship. We were friends and we weren’t. We had different friends, but shared enough history, and had enough overlapping interests and friendships that we were connected at some level. I was even invited to his Bar Mitzvah.

Gwen was another such friend. She was very smart. Driven. A hard worker. We were rivals in some ways, each of us trying to outdo the other academically. I was good enough to succeed without trying. I could keep up with Gwen with little effort. But Gwen worked hard and always beat me when the test results or the report cards came out.

That was OK. We were friends. We both lived a fair distance from high school, and since I had access to a car, I would often drive her home from late night band practice. I learned her story, how her parents had divorced and how it was just she, her brother, sister and her mother. We were friends, something of an odd pairing, but with enough in common to care about each other.

After high school I lost touch with Michael and Gwen, but through the connective miracle that is Facebook, I reconnected with them both.

In reconnecting with Gwen, I found that the maturity borne by time and experience brought us closer together and we became genuine friends. We share a common faith and values in addition to our history.

Through Gwen I learned more about Michael’s story, albeit after the fact. I learned that Michael did not have the easiest time high school, that he struggled with being gay but had no healthy connections or support.

The more I learned, years later, the more I realized that I had probably been part of that pain. I don’t remember ever abusing Michael or bullying him, but I do remember not being a great friend.

I thought I was a loving person but when I learned that Michael and his partner had children through Facebook, I called him out. I challenged him. I was not loving. Then, as Gwen shared his story with me, as other friends unfriended me for my homophobic views, as I understood the pain I was causing, as I learned what God really had to say about love and relationships and how that impacted straight and LGBTQi people…

…and most importantly, as Michael became a real human being in my mind and heart and soul…

…I knew I was wrong.

It wasn’t a sudden epiphany. It was a gradual growth, a maturing that brought me to a new space and understanding. Reading the Bible more deeply, learning more about the context of its various laws speaking out about men having sex with men, I came to realize that it was out of step with how we understand relationships. In fact, the word “homosexuality” never actually appears in either the Old or New Testaments; they only speak about the physical nature, or unhealthy same-sex power relationships. Homosexuality, as we understand it today, is not a sin. Same sex attraction is simply love; it is not sinful in any way whatsoever. It is the rejection of people because of their sexual orientation or gender identity that is sinful.

Some things you talk about. Some things you don’t.

What I talk about now is how important it is to speak out in support of LGBTQi rights. I talk about my denomination, the Presbyterian Church in Canada, having to change its legislation so that LGBTQi people can be married and ordained and enjoy all the rights and privileges it offers. I talk about forgiveness and letting go and moving forward. I talk about how love is given to us as the most precious gift we have, and that it is to be shared freely and openly and without hesitation.

I talk about my journey as a reminder of where and who I was and how far I have come. I talk about how I have grown and matured in the hopes that I might empower someone else to move away from homophobia towards affirmation, acceptance and genuine love.